DEAR NATALIE: I’ve been mostly a stay-at-home mom since my kids – ages three and five – were born. I’m an artist, and I work at a studio in my home, but I’m primarily available for our kids. My husband works in a field that has made him miserable, but he makes great money. Now, I’m starting my own business. While my husband says he is supportive, I’m not necessarily feeling the support. He has a short temper with the kids that makes me not want to leave them with him alone for too long. I know that I won’t bring in as much money as he does while my business is in its early stages, but I feel that the roles we’re stuck in aren’t working for either of us. How can I ask him to step up as a parent and also to figure out his job situation?
– WORKING MOM
DEAR WORKING MOM: Your husband might be resentful and isn’t fully recognizing his emotional response to you starting a business. Instead of looking at what you are working towards as another revenue stream that could help lighten the load, perhaps he feels envious of the “freedom” in starting your own project. Now, of course, he most likely isn’t taking into account all of the unpaid labor you do for the family. You are allowed to have something of your own, as well. I wish it was as easy as saying to him, “Follow your dreams!” But we know that often in an end-stage capitalist society, dreams don’t pay the bills. Perhaps there was something he always wanted to pursue and sees you doing just that for yourself and feels angry about it. The only way of knowing is to discuss it openly with him. If his frustrations with work are starting to pour over into his home life, then now is the time to share where he wants his future to go before you start this new project. He may not know what he wants to do next, but if he is unhappy, it’s better to create a roadmap that can lead him at least to a place of contentment as opposed to bitterness. After all, he is a father and a husband first, and recognizing that his emotional state impacts everyone around him may be the wakeup call he needs to prioritize what he can do to bring more balance to his life – and peace to all of yours.
DEAR NATALIE: I have three brothers. Two are doctors and my youngest brother is on his way to becoming a PhD, but confided in me that he doesn’t actually want to continue down this path. Academia is highly valued in our family. Both our parents are doctors and want the same for us. He’s afraid to tell them that he wants to change fields. He’s only 28-years-old and I have tried to assure him that it’s okay to change his mind. He doesn’t have to live out our parents’ hopes and dreams for us. He’s not ready to tell them and we’re both trying to figure out how to navigate this with them. How can I support him through this? – WORRIED SISTER
DEAR WORRIED SISTER: I love how much you care about your brother and want to center his wellbeing through all of this. It is a testament to how your parents raised you and what you value as important. My parents also valued education growing up, but they always encouraged us to utilize our strengths and build on things we enjoyed doing. And as we know, prestige doesn’t hug you at night, so cultivating a full life filled with friendship and love is important for a meaningful and contented life. I would lead with this as you’re working on what to say to your parents. Having a master’s degree is a major accomplishment in itself, and there is more to life than collecting degrees. If he isn’t ready to continue towards a doctorate, it’s going to cause a lot of anxiety, strife and unnecessary challenges. What does he want to do in place of that? I would work through a plan so that when he shares what he wants to do with your parents, he is prepared to discuss his alternate future. It’s never a bad idea to go out into the real world and put skill sets to use that you worked on in school. School will always be there. He can go back if he wants to work towards his doctorate later. But enriching his life in other ways is just as important to a well-rounded education. If your parents can’t accept that, it’s on them to adjust their world view. It is not your brother’s job to force himself into a box to appease them. At the end of the day, parents should just want their kids to be happy and healthy. I hope they can come around to that at some point and put their egos aside.
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